Author: stephboreham

Mental Health Blog

Mental Health Diagnoses; DON’T let them define you!

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It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and seeing as its Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I would write about something that is very close to me, and I have recently spoken to a few people who this has also affected at some point in there life, or who are dealing with it in the present day.

Mental Health Diagnoses – what this means… being diagnosed with a mental health disorder from a doctor, psychiatrist or any other mental health professional, this may be one or more of the following:

  • Anxiety disorders
  • Bipolar disorder
  • Borderline Personality Disorder BPD
  • Cannabis and mental health
  • Depression
  • Dissociation and Dissociative Disorders
  • Drugs, alcohol and mental health
  • Eating disorders
  • Personality disorders
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Psychosis
  • Schizoaffective disorder
  • Schizophrenia

I myself have been ‘diagnosed’ in the past with clinical depression and anxiety, and have been put on various medications over time and had talking therapies, medication didn’t personally work for me but I have always found therapy really helpful. I really do admire people who seek out help when not feeling quite themselves, it takes strength and courage and a sense of understanding and empathy for yourself and your mental health; it really is in my opinion; an act of self-care.

However, I think when we are struggling mentally we can experience a feeling of detachment from ourselves, and this is incredibly scary and you feel vulnerable. On top of this you are most likely trying to keep up with your job, with the constant reminder and pressure that you need to earn money in order to pay your bills and rent, this is really, really hard, but it is the harsh reality of life. It all can become too much, but remember you are allowed a break, you are allowed a time out for your mental health, just as you would if you broke a bone. Don’t feel guilty to take a moment for yourself and your health, take that 2 week paid sick-note from the doctor and take a holiday, or just do something you love, do absolutely nothing; anything that is going to bring you back to yourself a little bit and help you find some clarity, within yourself and the fast-paced world around you.

Now to my main point… please don’t let a mental health diagnosis from a doctor or mental health professional make you feel shit, don’t let this ‘label’ define you, or put you in a box. This will only lead to you feeling worse about yourself and your capabilities. I honestly have been there, in some ways being diagnosed can be a relief, because you finally have an explaination to what you have maybe been battling with for years, and it gives you an answer, and therefore a sense of control… as once you know for certain, you can get medication or therapy to help treat the problem and it can lead to recovery,  but at the same time it can bring dread and a feeling of failure… but you haven’t failed! Being diagnosed at the end of the day just helps you and the professionals trying to help you, help you! But it doesn’t define who you are as an individual, it doesn’t make you who you are as person.. basically you are not your diagnosis. You are you… and that is good enough. You are capable of anything you want, and just because you have been labelled ‘depressed’ or whatever it may be, does not mean you can’t achieve greatness or still overcome this illness and find happiness in your life.

When being diagnosed myself in the past, I felt like an absolute failure, like this was it.. I’m depressed and anxious and now my life is doomed. With social media it can also be another added pressure. Picture this; you are sitting in the doctors waiting anxiously, you’re taking time out of your job to go to the doctors for something you don’t truly understand and your battling with: ‘should I even be here..I should be at work, I’m not really sick?’ … and then you go on Instagram and you are bombarded with people you follow feeds and stories, who appear to be getting on with their lives, buying their homes, doing well in their careers, smiling in every picture… and then there is a sense of shame within yourself, “why I can’t be more like them, everyone seems to be getting on with it, why am I sat in this doctors waiting room, WHY AM I HERE!?”

… Ok, just to make it clear this was just my personal experience whilst struggling quite severely with my mental health, literally living in my doctors every week desperately trying to get answers and support. I don’t know if everyone can relate to this feeling, but it was a really hard time, and there is of course a constant pressure of money and ‘social status’ – whatever that really means, like we are all very good at keeping face… but I think we all need a reminder, that this shit is hard (life!) and we are all gonna struggle at some point, and that is ok… give yourself a break and remember you are only human, and instagram is actual bullshit… it is not real life, you sitting in the doctors and trying to get help and taking control of your life … that is real life!

So yes, to wrap up this blog… my advice is..

stay with yourself

be kind to yourself

and give yourself time.

Listen to your body and your mind, and don’t let a diagnosis, labels, society or anyone else tell you what or who you are, just do you. Keep Going!!!

….. For Alice x

If you need support:

Mind
15-19 Broadway, Stratford, London E15 4BQ
T: 020 8519 2122, F: 020 8522 1725
e: supporterrelations@mind.org.uk

Samaritans
116-123 (UK)
jo@samaritans.org

Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA

Mental Health Blog

Coming off Medication…. (again)

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I haven’t written anything properly lately… well at least for people to see, as I have been feeling pretty low in the last couple of months. It hasn’t been easy – left a job due to anxiety, got a new job…was signed off, and left again due to my mental heath… pretty much lived in my doctors surgery, had mental health assessments with therapists, tested more anti-depression medication, and after trying fluoxetine for the last few months I have decided  again to come off medication as it began to make me feel ‘fuzzy’ like most mental health medication I have tried does. I have to come to the conclusion that maybe medication just isn’t for me, my doctor did mention trying me on different medication instead, but I would rather just try and focus on using more natural remedies to get better like exercise and vitamins & benefical supplements.

My experience with Fluoxetine was interesting… I started at 20mg, and at first I think it made me feel slightly a bit more anxious, which passed. Then I didn’t really feel much different to be honest, so I asked my doctor if we could double the dose, so we did. This then made me feel bad, I mean bad… Seteraline wasn’t good for me physically and mentally, but fluoxetine made me feel more suicidal then any other medication I have taken. It was scary, very scary. I re-reffered myself for therapy and had an assessment where they obviously thought I was at risk, due to how I said I had been feeling. I had a face to face assessment, and then it was confirmed that Im not a risk to myself and I can be referred back to counselling. I appreciated how quickly the NHS therapy team responded to me and the fact that I had been feeling so low.

I then went back down to 20mg to see if it made any difference with the advice of my doctor. I continued to take 20mg for another few weeks, and started too feel ‘zombie’ like, similar to how the maximum amount of Citlopram had made me feel when I was taking that. I felt out of character, disassociated with myself and very emotional most days… and extremely tired and low. I have now decided on my own in the last week to just stop taking them for good.

Honestly, the worst part of my whole on and off journey of the last year with severe anxiety and depression has been not being able to work properly, it feels as if I have been stripped of my identity and independence.. as this is something I have always been able to manage since I was 17 when I first started working. Although work is important, of course; its not the only important thing in life you do have to look after your health first! I am starting to look for jobs again in the process of recovery and hopefully find a more mindful and managable approach to be able to commit to work fully, and get back on track. 

I do believe medication has it’s place and does help soooo many people through their recovery, but I guess for me after now trying 3 different types of antidepressant, my body doesn’t appreciate it, so I kinda need to respect that. Also, I was always quite reluctant to start taking medication as (although this shouldn’t affect my decision) so many people have their negative opinions of antidepressants… my own Dad referred to it as ‘that shit’. Thanks Dad! 🙂 But I also was just very aware of putting unknown chemicals in my body, and as I eat well and try to look after myself as much as I can – of course I was a bit put off by this idea.

… People need to appreciate that medication can be a life-saver to many people suffering with mental health illnesses, and taking medication is a sign of courage and strength, why people turn their nose up at it make me laugh… especially when it’s deemed completely normal and acceptable that the majority of our society go out every weekend and get royally f**ked on alcohol and recreational drugs, which is deemed as ‘normal’ but people trying to take medication to better their state of mind, and quality of life are judged…..? hmmmm. Something to think about you ignorant folk!

Anyway… same with therapy; serious shout out to anyone going through therapy of any sort whether its groups or 1 to 1, or your in a hospital receiving psychiatric care, seriously you are all my heroes, and those of you choosing to take medication. Its such an act of bravery, and it’s not an easy thing to do, and that is why most people go out and abuse alcohol and drugs, because they want to escape their unhappiness and not deal with themselves  – (not always obviously) and I am not judging people at all by saying this… but a lot of the time most of these people are not happy, but don’t actually sit still for 5 minutes to even consider they could be struggling.

I honestly believe no human is the same, and different things work with for different people. The same with recovery, some people find they just want therapy, some just medication or some want both. Whatever works for you is great, and just do you.. don’t focus on what anyone else is doing, because it’s your personal recovery journey, not anyone elses!

Self-care is always essential, especially when going through recovery! Remember that* and be kind to yourself, always.

Also I am considering running a half-marathon next year for Mind Charity… so that could be exciting and will start training for that soon!

 

Happy Sunday!

S x

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‘Mind over Matter’ – the stigma of mental vs physical health.

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Ok, so I have something to address – (Im venting)

I am suffering right now with depression and anxiety, I have done for a while now and its not easy. Not at all. But then something that makes this whole shit process even worse, is when people in your life who you want to confide in, are basically ignorant to the fact that you are really not very well.

I know for a fact if I told my work, my parents or some of my friends that I had broken my ribs, fractured my leg or physically had been injured in some way, the question of ‘so how are you going to pay rent?’ , ‘how are you going to survive?’, ‘are you going to come into work then?’ wouldn’t even come into play – because breaking a bone is obviously self-explationary; I can’t walk or move that broken limb. So why doesn’t the same go for mental health? My mind feels broken. I would much rather have broken my leg then feel like this – trust me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone its fucking horrible and to feel the guilt I already do about not being able to hold down a job properly, or be able to focus on my life and feel like a responsible adult right now, and then for people to be asking questions that just add more pressure (I get these people are probably concerned) but they need to bare in my mind that I didn’t choose to feel this way, just like I wouldn’t have chosen to break a bone.

My mental health has got worse in the last year, and I am doing all I can to try and help myself. I go to therapy, I am on medication – I am trying to keep working, despite battling with negative thoughts pretty much from the minute I wake up everyday. It is exhausting and anyone else going through this doesn’t need the constant remind that their not doing enough, or they have adult responsibilities – yes I know, I am aware of this.. but I also can’t help what my mind is doing right now – it’s almost a ‘suck it up’ kind of mentality from people who don’t understand it (or try to understand) … like; ‘life is hard, get on with it like everyone else does’. Yes, I get that – but no one has had the exact same experiences as anyone else, no one truly knows your story – or you. Only you do, so yes I take on board what people say, but I am so sick of having to justify and defend myself for not being ok at the moment… and feeling bad for not knowing when I am going to be ok. All I can do is keep going, keep fighting and keep trying to make myself better again by taking small steps.

People need to seriously stop being so prejudice towards mental health problems, they are so important and everyone and anyone can be affected by them. It’s time we started respecting our mental health and others, if someone takes time to look after their mind just as they would take time to heal a broken bone or physically sickness – people who are suffering mentally also need that time too, and it needs to be taken just as seriously (if not more so) then physical health. Just like physical health problems can be healed using medication, so can depression and anxiety – so this shows you it is a real illness, something which takes time to heal.

Respect mental health… because it can be bloody horrific. People are drowning in depression everyday, and it can be extremely exhausting just to get out of bed each day – and they get told to ‘cheer up’. This is not ok.

To all the people struggling too, please don’t feel guilty – take your time to heal. – I am reminding myself of this too.

 

Look after yourself x

 

 

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Write- because I don’t know what else to do.

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I am sat in Starbucks trying to be productive and get at least some writing done for today.

The other day I described myself to my sister as feeling like a ‘sad zombie’. That is genuinely how I feel right now. I feel lost, I feel isolated, I feel fucking strange.

I have recently started back on medication – I am taking 25mg of Setraline, as I was struggling with negative/anxious thoughts. So all what I am feeling in the present moment could be a common side effect of ‘feeling worse before you feel better’, the case with most anti-depressants medication. It’s just hard when I have to work, I have to pay rent (like most people) and I have to try and sort this shit out, promto!

I hate feeling this way – I don’t feel independent at all, and I feel as though I have been stripped of my identity and strength. It’s so scary, and I wish for this feeling to pass. I am meant to be moving into a new house soon, I don’t want too. I just want to leave London for a while, I need a break. On my own – just to go away and ‘be’. Truly be.

I feel guilt – like doesn’t everybody struggle? No one probably really enjoys having to go to work, having to pay bills. I used to enjoy work, I like talking to people, making friends and feeling myself. But I feel as if I have lost that person, where has she gone? I haven’t know her in a good while… how do I get her to come back?

I literally feel so unmotivated, I am struggling to think – let alone actually doing things I enjoy. I find myself doing the self-destructive thing of comparing myself to others again, it is not helpful but I just do it without even thinking. ‘They are going to work’ ‘Their getting on with it’-  ‘Their coping’, ‘Their ok’ … and it always comes back too… ‘what is wrong with you Steph!?’ I scream at myself daily, and I am so mentally tired, I just want to sleep.

.. and then I sit and try to convince myself that Im ok. I tell myself everyone is suffering, and you have to be an adult.. man the fuck up, go to work, earn money and pay your rent and bills like everyone else. Why should you get to get away with the responsibilities of life and everyone else has to do it? How is that fair? How can I be prejudice against my own mental health, as I know if I had broken a bone its almost self-explaintioary, its fine because I can see it, I can feel it physically-  I know it hurts. Mental illness is way more painful than physical, but somehow I convince myself to get over it, not let myself feel the pain – try and cover it up as best I can. But maybe after so many of years of having to try and deny what I am feeling, I have finally exhausted that theory and now I feel as if I am cracking.

 

 

Mental Health Blog

9am.

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drawing

So… it’s 9am – I’m at work, and I just had a mini anxiety attack at my desk. I had to try and calm myself by taking a moment to breath, but everything just overwhelmed me all at once.

Does anyone else ever have this…? Just the ‘I can’t actually do this’ frame of mind, and you just feel stuck. I am writing this today, as I need some kind of release as my mental health seems to be isolating me, it’s not really.. I know that. But in my mind, I do feel alone… I feel scared right now. Everyday I am trying to overcome this sinking feeling. It’s exhausting, I am so exhausted.

I have started a new job in the Mental Health sector, as a support worker – this was at first quite challenging in itself… it all feeling ‘too real’ and quite upsetting. I have only been in the job for 2 weeks, but already I am finding myself sat at my desk a lot, and very often you are working alone. This, in- it-self, I find quite hard as I am a people person – I feed off people’s energy, I miss being around lots of people… maybe mostly because they are a distraction from my thoughts. Being in a job with a lot of time on my hands.. my mind is racing, my thoughts are building and I am starting to feel quite depressed/anxious.

I am considering going back on medication – but that comes with its own anxieties. I have been on medication before and didn’t feel like it made a positive impact on my health, and although yes I could try a different kind of medication, I am still reluctant, as ideally I would like to be able to self heal – it’s just the negative thoughts I find hard to manage day-to-day.

As much as I am trying to stay ‘a float’ so to speak.. I do feel like I am slowly drowning. It’s f**king scary. I despise my anxiety, I know it has come from somewhere and its there for a reason for it, to tell/teach me something. But I just hate how it can take over my life.

I sit here … in work and I am trying to keep myself distracted, by writing this… to make lists of things I want to do, like studying for a masters.. travel etc, Writing, reading and googling stuff distracts me from tormenting myself to the usual harsh degree.

I still need to practise mindfulness.. do some yoga and chill.

 

 

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The need for a pep-talk with yourself…

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We all have our own personal internal battles with ourselves everyday, for some – things that might be quite a small deal is a massive one to someone else. This is where the need for a little pep talk with ourselves comes in.

I consciously made a decision today when in the gym, to listen to my inner negative voice   – let it have its say, then challenge it back. Again, to some this may a be nothing… and some may wonder what the problem even is, and for me when I am having better days mentally, it would be too, but today it was a challenge that I conquered, and I am proud of myself for that. (small victories and all that!)

Anyway… I was doing my workout and was feeling ok, then I started to feel quite self conscious, I don’t really know why… a guy in the gym did talk to me to ask me if I was done on a machine when taking a quick break, and maybe I like to feel invisible in the gym so this kind of threw me off I don’t know … he wasn’t rude or anything at all, he was friendly, but to me, it maybe made me feel more self-aware, like someone can actually see me? I don’t even know… 🙂

… I continued to work out, then I wasn’t ready to leave, but I found myself walking toward the changing room to get ready to leave, but I was literally having an argument in my head with myself… that went something like this :

“come on we are going”

“I don’t want to go yet, I want to you use the bike machine” (at which point I was actually swaying around, deciding what to do)

“no, you can’t, we are leaving come on, you don’t want anyone else to notice you”

> I was walking towards the changing room (against my will) then I looked at the machine, and I was like … ‘no f**k it, I am going to use the bloody bike machine, I am still here and that is what I want to do, I am not leaving yet, so what if someone talks to me, let them’.

… So off I went on the bike machine for half an hour, back on the cross trainer for 15.. then used another weight machine for a bit… THEN I was ready to leave. Now I am sat here feeling proud of myself, that for once I actually just listened to the demon in the head… I heard it out, and I said ‘no’. Simply as that. It really can be seen as such a small thing, but for me today its a massive thing.. so I am gonna be proud of myself and anyone else who also struggles with negative thinking – my advice is, try and just listen to it, but also listen to yourself, what do you actually want… let your actual voice overrule the negative… it’s not easy, but all you can do is try and put it into practise, don’t get me wrong my negative voice has won a lot and got its own way, so to speak.

I do tend to shy away from it though, like it shouts at me and I just do as it says… but today (as crazy as this sounds) I tried to have a conversation with it, and just challenge it, and I can say… I won.

 

So my advice… listen to the negatives, but always challenge! This process does take time, sometimes the negative may just win and that’s ok, you have to train yourself to be able to stand up for yourself in a way, and it can be exhausting when your battling everyday with negative thoughts, but the more you try and challenge them, the prouder and stronger you will feel of yourself.

 

…. You got this!

 

 

 

 

 

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Today.

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Constantly lost,

In life

In my head

Forever wanting to feel loved

Validated

Normal.

I miss feeling content

That time I did

Gone too soon –

I want in back

Will I ever feel it again?

Forever running around

Anxiety tormenting me –

Never feeling enough for you,

For myself.

I feel alone.

I have no purpose,

I need a purpose.

I just want to be happy,

Am I even worth of that?

Never knowing the true meaning of an emotion you so desperately want,

Do I have a right to want it?

What do you do?

When there feels like there is nothing,

Nothing.

You feel empty, hollow.

Truly lost in the depths of the unknown,

Trying so desperately to keep yourself afloat.

What do you do?

Someone tell me to do.

Please.

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When anxiety gets the better of you…

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IMG_2503

Today was a shit day…. I hate to say that, because it doesn’t feel productive or positive to say such things, but it really really was. It felt like a complete write off – I just want to sleep now and forget today.

I was anxious when I woke up anyway as I had a workshop I was supposed to attend, I ended up being late because the train to go there was not running, so I had to get a bus – this set my panic off. I thought to myself ‘If Im late, I definitely can’t go in now’, to be honest I was almost trying to find any excuse to talk myself out of going…. and I even slightly hoped I would wake up to an email from the workshop leader telling everyone the workshop had been cancelled or postponed, so I could feel a little relief. But she didn’t… which I was glad about really, because I did really want to go, but then everything else went wrong.

So, I got on the rail replacement bus, but I didn’t get off at the right stop by mistake.. then it went too far, I texted the workshop leader (she could probably tell I was panicking) and explained I didn’t think I was going to make it. I went back and forth in my mind, saying to myself “I will go”, “no.. I won’t because of X, Y and Z” (thinking of thousands of reasons why, the smallest of things would be enough). It was a tiring battle…  like a pushing and pulling the whole way there with my emotions. I finally got off the bus and then needed to find my way back, the workshop had now started. The leader had text me back after I asked her if it was ok for me to be 5 minutes late, she text me back thats fine.. but I was going to now be least half an hour late. I gave up, I was tired – I got another bus away from where I was meant to be, getting on the bus, I then saw the bus I was actually supposed to be on turned the corner towards me – I first thought ‘typical’, then felt stupid, and that I had let myself down, but I also felt quite anxious so I was trying to not be too hard on myself. (Very very hard to do when your battling with yourself the whole morning).

I again, feeling bad, texted the workshop leader when it had finished and explained my anxiety had got the better of me with the time being so late, and she was totally understandable and said she would keep me updated on any future workshops she does… which was obviously lovely of her to be so nice, but its hard when its yourself that has held you back from most likely really enjoying a class, and doing something positive for yourself – and your mad at yourself for that.

However… today I learnt to not be so hard on myself, the most annoying thing was I had paid for the workshop, and that is obviously an incentive to go, but today it wasn’t enough for me. I felt in some way that I had failed myself, but in another that I had learnt about myself too.. I always try and look for the positive of the situation. Although I didn’t go, I have to try and focus on what I have done lately for myself despite my anxiety, and this was one ‘failure’ so to speak of the day, but I can always do something positive for myself tomorrow ( a new day). – I also have learnt next time I attend a workshop to leave several hours before, to help ease my anxiety. Once I am late to an event like that, I don’t go in… for me thats it.

Today I was tired of my mind, and just thought f**k you anxiety. I am now sat here just painting my thoughts down in my sketchbook as a type of therapy and it is making me feel better actually.

I kept a kind of journal this afternoon on my phone when on my way to the workshop:

‘Mental health Matters‘ sticker on the tube today – maybe a sign that I need to look after mine and go to this class.

…  I’m anxious, so anxious.

Now there is no trains running to where I need to be, which is going to make me late.

I can’t go in now? I can’t be late!

I hate this.

12.17pm – 10 minutes to go, and I am still no where near. I feel shit. About myself, about this. Why doesn’t anything ever feel easy?

I feel heavy. Im carrying too much – way too much, more than I can bare.

 

12.38pm – I haven’t gone to the workshop.

I am going to be more than 20 minutes late.

I can’t do it.

Not today

I feel like shit

I feel like I have failed myself

Have I failed myself?

I feel sad.

I haven’t done what I aimed to do today.

I could always go the the next course?

What if there isn’t another one?

I got a bus in the opposite direction – I can’t show up that late. I don’t like myself much today. I feel weak.

………

I wrote these kind of diary entries, as a way to keep track of my anxiety and something to be able to have, to look back on for myself, and seeing it written out also encourages me to not only be kinder to myself, but learn for the next time when something like this happens… its all about learning, and I am seriously teaching myself not to be my own worst enemy. Today I was cruel to myself, too cruel.

Just like I write about and promote, anxiety is a real thing… it really happens, and its so serious. I need to learn to accept that I suffer with anxiety, and today it was bad. Although no I didn’t go to a workshop, there will always be next time – this is not the end!!

 

Thank you for reading 🙂

 

 

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Coming off Medication, and working in Mental Health…

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pills1

So on Monday 13th February I decided to come off my medication from a daily dose of 40mg of Citalopram. I had been taken Citalopram since June last year when I experienced a bad period of depression and anxiety and was signed off work. I had always been unsure of taken medication, but felt that it come to a point where I had to seriously try and do something to overcome the way I was feeling, I felt after years of suffering with bad anxiety and on and off depression I owed myself to at least give it a go!

I am still unsure whether or not the medication actually did work for me to be honest, maybe at the time of feeling really bad it did help me to cope with the extent of my anxiety, but I really don’t know… I mean, I got through the bad period but it also could of been just changes in my life for example, being signed off work significantly helped me as I was no longer in a negative environment which I literally despised.

I decided to come off the medication as I felt it started just making me feel kind of foggy in my mind, I didn’t really notice any significant positive changes and so thought I would see how I felt without it. So today, three weeks later, I feel ok – I feel good. My anxiety comes and goes, and like with any mental health problem it is sometimes worse on certain days than others, but right now it is manageable for me. Obviously I have my days where I can be anxious, and I am thinking to myself did I make the right decision to come off my medication, but I know I did – I feel in some ways, more myself again, more in control of myself and my thoughts which are no longer masked over.

I did come straight off my medication, as I literally did wake up one morning and just decided I no longer wanted to actually take it, obviously this not advisable and you should always consult your doctor first. Also, just to say to anyone on medication… just because some people come off their medication, it necessarily mean you should, as everyone of course is different and different medication work for each individual, mine just wasn’t working for me, and I feel right now ok without taking anything, like I said if I notice a significant decline in my mental health I will go back to my doctors and discuss other options. If are ever in doubt, just make sure you speak to your doctor first. 🙂

My doubts…. I have been offered a role as a mental health support worker in a hospital, and although this opportunity excites me, it also scares me, as although I feel working in mental health environment when you have your own personal experience of these kind of problems can be of course such an advantage, it also comes with the fear of things being perhaps a bit too close to home? After speaking to a therapist I had an assessment with, she mentioned that it is a positive thing to have been given this opportunity and I agree, but I also know I need to keep an eye on my own mental health, my anxiety and make sure I am having therapy myself while working in this environment, so I have that extra support, which I am sure most people working in this kind of profession require. Ideally, my plan is to work within a role like this for at least a year, then go on to study for a Masters degree in art psychotherapy (as this is the career route I would like to possibly go into too ) but I also still need to make sure that is what I want, and I plan this year to also attend day courses etc, obviously thinking you want a job and actually doing it are two completely different things, and I want to be 100% certain of this before committing to studying for a masters.

I will be monitoring my mental health while working within this role and if I feel overwhelmed at all or notice any really bad anxiety, I will be returning to my doctors to discuss maybe another type of antidepressant, just to try and help me manage day to day. While working in this role I have promised myself to go and see a therapist at least every 2 weeks to touch base with myself, and remember when I am out of work to focus on myself –  to practise self-love, to keep attending the gym and find also a yoga class, or do it at home. Also – to leave the work at work, no bringing home anything that makes me feel sad, learning to have a barrier between work and home and learn to separate the two. Myself = my needs… and work = the people I will be supporting needs.

If anyone reading this works in mental health and has or does still suffer with mental problems, could you please give me any advice or tips on how you get along? That would be amazing! Thank you 🙂

Next… a Youtube Channel?

I was considering making a youtube channel to coincide with my blog. I thought it might be helpful for people to be able to put a face to my blog, and as a watcher of youtube videos myself, I find it a bit more personable and comforting to be able to listen to someone talking and watch how they really are, obviously you don’t get this from just reading words. Although again, this excites me in some ways, I am defiantly reluctant as although, when I first started this blog I felt really vulnerable and now feel comfortable publishing my blogs, obviously youtube is whole new level of vulnerability, it is literally me, just there… speaking, being complelty myself and I can’t behind anything. Which to be fair I actually like the thought of, as I like to be as honest and open as possible to people – but when discussing such personal things, the thought of it is really scary. I think I might make one video, publish it and see how I feel once its out there in the big wide world. 🙂

Obviously both my blog and a potential youtube channel is for myself, and gives me something to reflect and look back on, but I also want them both to reach out to people and be able to support someone going through anything difficult and remind people they are not alone. (Bit morbid….) but I also want to leave something positive behind when I have left the world, and be able to help people, even if its get one person – it makes me happy knowing I could of helped anyone, and for me I have than achieved what I aimed to do.

Have a great week!

Steph x

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Small Victories ….
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Small Victories ….

stephborehamLeave a comment

 

This is something small to some, but yesterday after over 2 months of not going, I made myself go to the gym.

This will only be a small blog post, but I just wanted to share this as I felt I accomplished something today for myself, to many people Im sure they just get up and go to the gym, but I felt I had to really talk myself into it. — saying that though, I bet more people struggle with going then I probably actually realise.

I was supposed to go the day before, and managed to talk myself out of it and got distracted with other things. So, when yesterday arrived I made myself go, I had anxiety though about going in to the gym, and during my time in there I felt very conscious but the more time I spent in there and just tried to stay focused on my workout and watched some youtube videos.. I felt more comfortable in my surroundings.

I don’t know if anyone does this… but I play it out in my mind.  I will in-vision walking into the gym, and generally think about any possible thing that could happen, big or small – but this really fuels my anxiety. I think about anything from falling down in there to someone looking at the wrong way, and it is just a stream of negative thoughts that flood my mind, and I just went to shut it off.

Before leaving for the gym, I jokingly asked my housemate to give me some motivational quotes… he put Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ‘6 Rules of success speech’ video on youtube, 🙂  I appreciated the thought and some of his words did help, then before the leaving the house my housemate said ‘don’t let anyone put you in a box’. I appreciate this encouragement, it made me smile, and although we was playing about, it helped me out loads and got me feeling more motivated to go. Words are incredibly powerful to me when feeling anxious etc,

I am trying to teach myself this year that I don’t need anyone elses approval to succeed, or do well. I listened to my anxiety yesterday, and I told it back ‘f**k you’ and went to the gym anyway. However… I do in a subconscious way, look for others to almost validate me going to the gym, by telling my housemate, in a way I think I was looking to see his reaction about me going to the gym, and of course he was like ‘cool’ so automatically I thought to myself ‘I can now go to the gym a more easily’ – because someone hasn’t made a negative comment about it, or about me working out. I think it reassures me that I am just another person who is going to work out – this may sound odd, but I guess sometimes I can be so harsh on myself and self-aware, I really end up not liking myself very much, and thinking Im some kind of alien in society who doesn’t fit in.

Anyway…. on a positive note. I made it to the gym, and treated myself to the sauna afterwards as a well done to myself. 🙂    ….. (self love!)

Ironically, the gym always makes me feel so much better mentally, and I can leave feeling proud of myself, I do know that working out is a natural mood-boost. But it’s just funny that I am literally having a full blown argument with my thoughts before I go, and then once I leave its like their my best mates… as a functioning cognitive system, we are all very happy afterwards.

If anyone else is struggling with anxiety surrounding going to the gym, a class or even just going for a walk or run. Remember, you can do it! Listen to your negative thoughts, hear them out…. but then remember they are just thoughts, you have the power, tell em to f**k off. Also, the more you do this, the stronger you will feel… and it will get you into a routine of, well I did it last time and it was fine, so I can do it again!

Helpful Gym/Workout Tips…

  • Put on your favourite Youtuber, watch your favourite TV series or movies in the gym, which will help you to take your mind off negative thoughts or feeling self-concious and you can then just focus on your workout. – or just put on your favourite motivational music, you got this!

 

  • Make yourself a smoothie or juice before or after, a smoothie packed full of goodness will make you feel more energetic and boost your mood to improve your workout and also get you feeling more positive and happy. Also, drink lots of water before and after your workout, will keep you hydrated.

 

  • Don’t be too harsh on yourself, whether you are in the gym for half an hour or 3 hours, any time spent in there working out is a great achievement and is better than doing nothing at all – even if you choose to do nothing, and just relax, do that. Listen to yourself and what you want. But you will know the difference the between whether you want to go but your negative thoughts are stopping you, or if you actually just don’t wanna go. That’s ok.

 

Thanks for reading, and hope this can help encourage someone to overcome the the fear of going to the gym. Whatever you choose to do to make you feel better, everyday if you overcome any anxiety surrounding something big or small you to set yourself to achieve then you have accomplished your small victories, which is a big deal! Be proud of yourself!

 

Remember, you’ve got this!!! 

 

Below is the video my housemate played to me if anyone wants to watch  🙂